ALTERNATIVES TO A CUSTODY FIGHT
At the present time there are a million or so
couples in the United States who get divorced every year. That
means there about two million people who are wondering "What
is the best thing for my children?" or Should I try to fight
for my children?" Each one of these people are feeling the
same things you are feeling right now. I know from experience
that these emotions can overwhelm you and it seems the only thing
worse than the break up of your marriage is the thought of losing
your children. Quit frequently you can be urged by well meaning
friend or relatives to demand custody of your children and fight
for them in court. If you don't give yourself time to get a
handle on your emotions and get used to your new life you can
easily find yourself locked into a long knock down drag out court
fight which is both emotionally draining and very, very
expensive. To make matters worse the results will probably not
please anyone. Not you, your ex or your children. Don't rush into
anything. Everybody will be better off in the long run.
In theory courts are suppose to look out for
children's best interest. All but a few states even spell out
what things should be looked at when deciding what is in a
child's best interest. In practice however, it doesn't
necessarily work out that way. The plain and simple fact of the
matter is that the law sets standards for children in general,
not YOUR children. In only a few minutes or hours a judge has to
try to understand what your family's situation is and then try to
make a decision on what is in the child's best interest. This is
not the ideal situation for you to place yourself in.
To make things worse judges have considerable
discretion in interpreting what the specific standards on what is
the best interest of your child mean, and imposing their own
views of what constitutes a good environment for children. The
chance of a judge making a decision which will be ideal for your
specific situation is very slim.
If you give both yourself and you Ex time to
cool off a bit there are only rare exceptions where the two of
you can not do a whole lot better by making your own decisions.
Because what you decide will fit your own unique situation. This
a lot better than both of you hiring lawyers and turning the
ultimate decisions over to a judge. You and your ex will be able
to negotiate a parenting plan with each other that reflects the
needs and best interests of your children and that assures both
of you the maximum possible involvement in your child's life.
I'll talk more about parenting plans latter.
Only if your child's safety or well being is at
risk and you and your ex can not agree on a way to reduce that
risk can court intervention be crucial.
You need to consider children's feelings also.
Even if your divorce will be better for them in the long run,
right now if they are like most children they feel that things
couldn't be worse. Divorce can shake a child's confidence that
they will continue to be loved, cared for and safe. They feel
wonder about these things even if they understand the reasons
behind your divorce. A custody battle only makes things harder
for your child. The majority of people who have done researcher
on the effects of divorce on children believe very strongly that
using the court to resolve custody issues is a mistake in all but
a few cases.
In the opinion of the researchers, it is far
better for your children if you are able to negotiate a parenting
agreement with your Ex. This means that part of being a good
parent is trying your best to find a way to work with your ex, at
least as far as the children are concerned, rather than fighting
over custody in court. No matter how much you may believe that
your life would improve if you won and your ex lost a custody
battle, the fact is children need both of their parents and many
times they feel that they are being told they must make a choice
between you and your Ex. There are many people who specialize in
helping divorced couples workout agreements between themselves
with out going to court. Some of these are counselors, mediators,
arbitrators, or even lawyers.